My Dad passed away on the fifth of November. He was seventy-nine years old. I wrote a remembrance and recited it at St Joan of Arc church, located in Streetsboro, Ohio, on November 11th. My sister Debra, encouraged me to post it here.
Debra, our brother Michael and myself were the victims of parental(s) alcohol abuse as children. It is important to reveal this personal detail because as you read through my words, you will not come to this conclusion on your own. Growing up was hard, damn hard. And the demons that visited the doorstep of our youth sunk their talons in and rode our backs into adulthood.
Respect and love paralleled the abuse. This took our brains and emotions and, with bone crushing centrifugal force, distorted our reality. In the end however, respect and love prevailed.
The end began in the mid-seventies. But first, here are my words:
Gilbert Allan Rothacker - Gil - Dad - Pa.
Today’s words will not do that to our Gil, our Dad, our Pa. He wants it that way.
Today’s words will reveal a few things that defined Gil, a few life experiences and a few things that were important to him. They are proper. They are respectful. And they are what you are supposed to talk about at times like these.
Dad spoke directly to Debra and I in regards to two personal messages that he wanted delivered today. Father Ferraro spoke about the first…human error, human frailty and forgiveness. The second message is for Pa’s twelve little angels, the most important angels in his life. If Dad had his druthers, it would be the only thing I spoke about.
First things first…
When Gil was 14 years old he went to work for Fisher Foods. He was to work in the grocery business for another fifty years minus time spent in the Air Force while fighting in the Korean Conflict. Throughout his career, Gil hammered out a work ethic that few could match.
While serving in the military Gil met our mother Margaret. They were married in 1955. Our Mom and Grammy, as she is known to their grandkids, was the most important person in Dad’s life. He loved our Mom like no other person on this planet.
Dad loved tradition. Christmas and Halloween were the most important Holy days followed closely by Easter and Thanksgiving. Beautiful Christmas trees, festive ornaments, Christmas Eve get-togethers, midnight mass at Holy Trinity, a massive Thanksgiving dinner, dressing up as a ghost to give out candy and decorating the house were annual occurrences.
Baking was a passion, love and tradition. From cheese pies to Christmas cookies to an annual fruit cake that weighed over seventy-five pounds.
Other traditions were trips to Blackmore, a little beach on Lake Erie and Perry Park; Carey, Ohio, and the Our Lady of Consolation shrine; and downtown Cleveland at Christmas time. Later on, pilgrimages to the Mountaineer in West Virginia with Mom became tradition.
Popping popcorn, collecting pottery, reading science fiction books and nights huddled around our player piano, playing piano rolls and singing songs were high on Gil’s list.
Dad and Mom enjoyed an evolution in camping. From tents, to pop up campers, to a mobile camper, to a mobile trailer to a permanent trailer with cabins thrown in every year. It was his peace away from the rat race.
Another source of tranquility were Dad’s flowers and gardens.
Dad retired in 1993. Except he didn’t. After retiring from the grocery business he went to work as a greeter for Wal-Mart. He worked in Macedonia and was there to open both new stores here in Streetsboro. Dad loved to be a greeter and he loved the daily connection with customers and coworkers, especially those who took the time to talk with him. He developed many meaningful relationships through Wal-Mart.
There was another important person in Dad’s life. And since, she has become very important in many of our family members’ lives as well. Saint Therese. Dad’s mother Laura introduced Saint Therese into his life. Here is a story that I’ve heard since I was a little boy:
When her sons went off to war, Grandma Rothacker’s prayed to St. Therese.
When Rollin went to Japan during WWII, she prayed for his safety. In December, she walked into the May Co. Dept Store and there were rose petals on the ground in the door way.
When Gil was in Korea, he visited a Shrine. He saw a rose bush by the Shrine, it had one rose, he picked it, pressed it, and sent it to his Mother.
Grandma had prayed to St. Therese that he would be OK and she would receive a rose if he was OK.
Grandma never told Rollin or Gil about her praying for roses to answer her prayers, until each of them had come home.
Following Grandma Rothacker’s funeral our immediate family went back the next day to pick up some of the flowers, the grave however, had been cleared. EXCEPT there was 1 rose stem with 5 roses, the number of people in our family…lying right on the grave.
Dad had two brothers, Rollin and Wayne. Wayne who was younger, had diabetes most of his life and died in his late thirties. Dad and Rollin’s relationship drifted apart for many years. In later years they became close. Rollin, his wife Anne, my Mom and Dad would visit and do things together. The renewed relationship was very important to Dad. It brought him much joy and internal comfort. He expressed this to us on many different occasions and wanted us, Rollin, to mention it here.
Angels were very important to Gil. He inherited his devotion to God’s messengers from his mother Laura. He collected statues of angels. They were his physical presence of heaven on earth.
And now for Gil’s second message…
Aside from my Mom, the love of my Dad’s life was his grandchildren and those by marriage or association. Victoria, Alex, Carla, Nicole, Brian, Vincent, Kevin, Kerri, Rebecca, Michael, Marissa and Rhonda. ..... Pa wants me to tell you how much he loves you.
Listen up guys. Pa wants you to take hold of this message and hold it close to your hearts.
For your Mom, your Auntie Deb, for your Dad, your Uncle Mikey and for myself, to Pa, there was one person on this planet who we were to show the utmost love and respect for.
That was our Mom, your Grammy. He would correct and yell at us if we referred to Mom as she or her instead of Mom. Later on, this applied to our spouses. To this day, Auntie Rosie can still feel his wrath.
Pa tells you to love and respect your mother. Above all else, your mother is to be revered and placed upon a pedestal. You are to love her with every fiber of your being, to cherish her with your heart and soul and to nurture and take care of her as she has done to you.
Pa also wants his life with Grammy to leave a lasting impression in your hearts and souls. Your spouse is to be the most important person in your life. Do not take marriage lightly. If you cannot commit your mind, heart, body and soul to a person who you might marry, do not get married. As you move forward in life, never, ever forget about the love that your grandfather had for your grandmother. Let it be a beacon of light in the journey of your life.
Finally, Pa needs me to tell you something that is really, really important to him.
Pa wants you to take care of your children. Love them, watch over them,
protect them, teach them, be kind to them and be an example for them.
Demonstrate your love and affection to your kids everyday.
Victoria, Alex, Carla, Nicole, Brian, Vincent, Kevin, Kerri, Rebecca, Michael, Marissa and Rhonda…........... live Pa’s message.
Make him proud.!!!
Written and delivered by Gil's son -
David E. Rothacker
11/07/09
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Hope entered into Debra, Michael and my (Rosemary and I were dating at this time) life in 1975. That year our Mom quit drinking. It almost killed her. Two years later, my Dad was almost killed in a car accident. That date marked the last time that he took a drink.
The last thirty-four years have been a gift, the gift of their life, to us. Our kids never experienced the darkness that surrounded their grandparent's life. They did experience the love that their grandparents had for one another. It was very important to my Dad that his grandkids not take this love for granted.
Based on how my sister, brother and I were treated as kids, it was really, really important to my Dad that his grandkids' kids not be treated this way. I have the utmost faith that his message hit home.
For the record, in no easy way and over time, Debra, Michael and myself crushed and vaporized the demons from our past.
We must never give up hope for a better life and above all we must love our family...and forgive them if necessary.
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Prior to giving the remembrance above at my Dad's funeral, Rosemary, who accompanied me to the altar, had this to say:
At my Grandma Rose’s funeral in 1992, my sister-in-law, Debra pressed an index card into my hand and told me the poem written on it would bring me comfort. And I’ve carried that card with me ever since. This poem reminds me so much of Dad. So many times over the past 35 years, he would tell me stories about his mother Laura and brother Wayne. He’d tell me how much he missed them and the regret he felt because their time together was so short. Even though we grieve for our husband, our dad, our pa—we need to take comfort in the fact that he’s not alone. He’s in heaven celebrating with his beloved family, safe and protected in their wings of love. The poem is called: Home At Last When day is done, a figure turns and says a last goodbye Although we can’t understand where they must go, or why But as they leave our sorrow and sad tears far behind They move ahead to seek the peace that every soul must find For now they sail a different ship, upon a different sea A voyage filled with love and hope, and new discovery And when the journey brings them to that distant, lighted shore They’ll be greeted by the outstretched arms of those who’ve gone before And people they have known and loved And voices from the past Will be singing out the welcome news That they are home at last
YOU just did Dave, you made him proud !!!
As did Mikey and myself, he just rarely told us. (Of course our parents were of another era of parenting.)
As I have said many times over...
'David, Michael and myself did a great job in raising our parents and they turned out pretty darn good'.
RIP Dad @---->--------
Love Always,
Debra
Posted by: Debra Estep | November 22, 2009 at 05:44 PM
I came into the Rothacker family in 1975 after I met David and witnessed the "rebirth" of Gilbert and Margaret Rothacker. From that moment on, they became my second parents and there wasn't a doubt in my mind how much they loved me and our daughters, Victoria and Carla.
I know firsthand how hard it was for David, Debra and Michael to overcome their childhood traumas. But they did and they have my utmost respect (and love).
Like Debra said in her comment, the three of them did one hell of a job raising their parents!
I miss you Dad...
Love, Rosie
Posted by: Rosemary Rothacker | November 24, 2009 at 02:09 PM
I know I'm not "in the family" and I never met your Dad (or you either my friend), but I have met the grand daugther, and feel clser than reasonable to you.
For these reasons I wanted to write.
Having lost my Dad a couple years ago, I know you will have tough days, but the positive memories will shine through and the lessons learned, never forgotten.
Choose to give thanks for Dad this Thanksgiving.
All the best to the Rothackers
Kevin :)
Posted by: Kevin Eikenberry | November 25, 2009 at 08:07 PM
Thank you Kevin. You are right on with your feelings, first to write here and then with your message.
Posted by: Dave Rothacker | November 26, 2009 at 06:20 AM